So why did I die?

Well, yesterday it seemed once again, that if there is no grenade around, I will run in a random direction and find one. At one time there was a grenade resting gently in the middle of the little plaza by the Seine Crossing C-flag. Me, obviously worrying that the poor grenade would never be able to fulfill its killing destiny, ran all the way up the stairs from the A-flag, straight at it and all but threw myself on it.

The things I will do to make grenades happy...

Welcome back. Not.

After ten days of holiday I returned to the battlefield. First round was a little awkward, I was basically trying to get my aim back, wondering if someone had messed with my sensitivity while I was gone, because it felt way too high. But alas, it was just me. The second round I had my shit together again, and our little clan was doing really well. Well, until we were banned.

Ten days and I had forgotten the depths of admin immaturity.

 

Now, one question. Why do I have to "accept"? I don't get the option "do not accept" because there is no point in that. I just get simple information: "You have been banned from this server", why can't it just say "close"? Nitpicking, I know. But it annoys me more than being banned. 

The Detox and the Writing

It's been Christmas. I've been away and I am still away visiting family far up north in Sweden, eating incredible amounts of food, playing with the kids and freezing my fingers and toes off. And I haven't been playing for a little more than a week. But of course I could not go a week without thinking of the battlefield, so when I had the chance to write something for this swedish gaming blog that I really, really like, I wrote about Battlefield and gaming as female. Duh.

For you swedes, my guest column is at http://www.svampriket.se/2012/12/2012-att-vinna-ar-att-vara-en-man/. (Och om ni inte redan gör det, följ svampriket.se, det är verkligen Sveriges mysigaste spelblogg.)

For you non-swedes, I'm sorry, but google translate will torture and murder our language, please do not visit such horror on my little piece of writing.

I estimate my return to Battlefield to take place on New Year's day, and by then I will probably get motion sickness just trying to move.

I need a word!

I need to find a word that describes a very very bad surprise, which isn't really a surprise because you've encountered it countless times before but you still don't really expect it because you can't expect it every single time, so it still happens because you only kinda, half-knew it. A seriously bad non-surprise. That you hate.

Like C4 on flags in domination.

We could rename that mode C4 mode.

But I still need a word for that kind of really bad non-surprise.

Playing tag

I'd forgotten how much fun it is to knife people! We were at a TDM at Noshar Canals and I got a couple of knife kills, decided that I should try to get myself a melee ribbon - I very rarely get those since I usually forget my knife - and i ended up with 16 knife kills. I laughed the whole game through, and it was just great fun, giving me a little challenge in that kind of chaos.

I will definitely be doing that again, so watch your backs :)

Still sniping. Still dying.

Thing is, I am beginning to realise that one kill with a bolt action sniper rifle is easily as rewarding as 10 assault rifle kills. The satisfation of nailing that headshot with one perfect bullet (particularly if the recipient of said bullet is running or jumping) just cannot compare to mowing people down while running and gunning.

I just wish I was better at it. But then again, I once sucked at all things BF3 and now i don't.

The importance of wanting to win. And spawn beacons.

Yesterday, me and Geefat joined a round where we were down by about 700 tickets, and trapped in our base. It was Metro, we were US and the other team were just spawn killing us down in the tunnels. They had hardly lost a ticket - the score was about 1500 -800, in their favour. A hopeless game.

So I went as recon with a M5K and an xbow with scan bolts. I scanned the tunnel ahead of me to be able to flank as safely as possible, and I got through to A where I put up a spawn beacon as well hidden as I could though I was in a hurry. And then we took A. We were joined by HydrothaBlaster so there were three of us in the squad and we just continued to harass A.

Everytime I died I just spawned back to A and put a spawn beacon up again. Geefat and Hydro contined to spawn in at A, cleaning out the opposition, and sometimes went pushing for B and C, killing people off and capping, while I stayed at A at all times, forcing the other team to constantly split up and deal with me.

Even if I was alone I could still cap the flag, so they had to have people at A at all times. And still we took that flag over and over. And of course, by doing so, our team got a chance to take both C and B. Which they did. They didn't give up, they didn't settle for sniping out of our deployment. They wanted to win and they went on a rampage. The top two guys in our team ended up with 167 and 174 kills.

And the enemy was suddenly constantly on the bleed. They could not hold on to their closest base and were stuck mostly with B, where they died and died, while the bleed just counted down their tickets.

I sometimes had more than a whole squad of enemies busy chasing only me. Which is a waste of resources on their side, but if they don't, well, then our team keeps A, they have enemies coming at them from both sides and the bleed won't stop. And they killed me over and over, but I killed them a little more, and I came right back. I can't imagine their frustration not being able to leave A without seeing it start to blink again.

We won. We won by 152 tickets.

Thing is, I finished 10th in my team scorewise, kd 65-42, but I felt incredilby satisfied because I knew that I was essential in turning that game around. And more than I ever felt when I get the MVP-ribbon, I felt like a valuable player. We freaking won.

Good game. Good game.

Sniping 101

I am trying to learn how to handle bolt action sniper rifles. They are a bitch! And by bitch, as usual, I mean they are awesome but not particularly user friendly.

Since I'll never be the kind of player who patiently waits on a rooftop for someone to saunter by, and maybe get ten kills if I'm lucky and many travel that route, I slapped an ACOG on a M40A5 and went medium distance agressive sniping.

By that I mean I first ran around with the iron sights on the thing to even unlock the god damned ACOG, since I had zero kills with the M40A5 before embarking on this little adventure. I am just not a natural sniper.

Target aquiring is hard. Positioning yourself is hard. Switching to pistol if the first shot fails to kill is not so hard, but often results in me getting killed. The hardest part is not to be the first one running for the flag. I always, always go for the objective, it's hard wired into my brain. I see that orange diamond and i have to go. I have to. Pulling back and trying to protect your team mates from a defensive position is just a totally different playing style.

I am dying a lot now. I'm starting to feél all noobish again.

But I will frakking learn how to do this.

I knew it!

Fascinating little video about the long term beneficial effects of fast paced action games - like Battlefield 3s. Playing online shooters seems to help you learn, focus, multitask and of course, improve your spatial intelligence.

Going gold

I'm now a colonel100. I reached shit bucket status yesterday and I now rock the golden tags that bears testimony to my obsession. I would have gotten there sooner, if I hadn't made my sistermachinegun account a colonel 20 in a parallell battlefield universe. And I'm kinda happy about having her - sistermachinegun is my retirement plan or something like it.


Because what now? I just go on? No more promotions? No more stars or eagles in ever shinier colours?


I feel so empty now.


But golden still.

Trouble reading?

Yesterday I kicked and then banned a guy on my team for repeatedly putting C4 on the flags despite that being the only rule on my server - do not C4 the flags. Don't do it. Because it's a cheap tactic that empties servers like no other weapon or tactic can ever do. I don't like rules, but I have found that when people start dying on flags from C4, they leave. And I want people to have a good time on my server.


Anyway. I got the usual whining message sent to me. This time it was "fucking pussy wanker". So I replied that the rule is no C4 on flags and he actually had the benefit of being warned first. Then he replied that he didn't put the C4 ON the flag, he put it BY the flag. (For an example, he had put it all over the bar desk by A at Operation 925.)


I found this hilarious. What, in his mind you can't put the C4 on the flagpole? On the fabric of the actual flag? I told him that he put it in the fuckin flag cap zone every time, and urged him to think this through.


He answered "Pussy. Think about that"


So I said since I'm a woman, I kinda like having a pussy but don't think much about it. Unlike him who seems to think about it a lot but probably don't have any.


So as always, we go from annoyance to insults and end in the eternal question of The Pussy. Be one, have one, want it... But use it as an insult, and you fail. Because, well - "having balls" as a metaphor for being tough is stupid. They are the most unpractical and sensitive body parts ever made. No, as someone once said, it's the pussy that can take a pounding.

Think about that.

Happy shopping joy!

There are now ladies T-shirts in the DICE store. Unfortunately, the one I want is only available in large. And XL. And XXL. Come on! I'll drown in that!


But tho other ones were nice too. I'll get a couple.

Nerf the corners

Today at work I ran into a colleague coming round a corner while holding a cup of coffee. Coffee disaster ensued. And once again I remind myself: Do. Not. Run. Around. Corners.

Just peek a little. How hard could it be?

EDIT: Geefat just pointed out to me, that the peeking tactic would cause other people some concern if applied out in the streets of Stockholm. I don't know. You still need to keep the coffee stain ratio on a reasonable level.

Squading up in mysterious ways

Fun thing I realized: When I wrote this abouy playing the game while drunk and sending strange messages to random team members, two of the ones I sent those messages to were the two excellent players I since then have played the most with, and the ones I have most thoroughly enjoyed playing with and talking to. So here's to Geefat and Treton04, awesomest dudes in digital Iran :)

Go to sleep

When you've been playing for five hours, and it's 2:30 AM, and your clan mate just told you he died because he's so tired he accidentally set himself on fire, and you go to revive him, but you are so tired you steer off a cliff and die. That's the sign that you should go to bed.

Guns too are people

I just like the names and nicknames. I like the sound of "AS VAL", especially if you don't read it as A.S, but as one word. It sounds like an alien planet, or the royal guard in some fantasy setting. It is a rigid, strong name, but with a tinge of the exotic.

If As Val was a person she would be someone with a strong will and high standards - but an odd set of morals and values.

"Pecheneg" - now thats a name with a lot of character. It has a dirtier sound, more worn. More stubborn, like a bloody nose and a cracked tooth. Someone named Pecheneg must be someone who never ever gives up, someone who walks fifty miles across the desert and then runs for another ten. You wouldn't be able to reason with Pecheneg, because he just won't listen.

Now the AN-94 is called "Abakan". Just listen to that - Abakan. Abakan is a wizard, one of a kind, a trickster, a sarcastic scientist with a wicked smile. I think he would be kinda sexy too.

Famas is a romantic and a poet. Scar is a woman who would freeze you with her stare.

I think I have all the people I need for a novel.

The comfort of home

It's been a year now. A year of Battlefield 3. Last year at about this time, the beta had closed and I was obsessed. I counted the days. When the game dropped I ran from work to pick it up and posted a picture of myself holding it, just to tease my husband who worked late and would be hours behind me when he got home.

Do you remember those weird bugs and glitches? Like the turtlenecks on prone soldiers? I miss them.

I have played close to a thousand hours total on my three accounts. Of those hours, I probably spent the most time on Metro, Seine Crossing and Grand Bazaar. But I know them all so well. Caspian Border, Noshahr canals, Operation Firestorm. Ziba Tower. Strike at Karkand. Donya Fortress. Gulf of Oman. These are real places to me. I have been there. Nowadays, they feel like home. I know every corner, every angle of them. I know exactly from where you can shoot at what with which gun. I know where people will go and where they will run.

And I do not tire.

Still every round is different.

Every round, I find myself in some new situation and I need to make snap decisions to survive or reach an objective.

And still, I see things I've never seen before. Last night, a bicycle came flying through the air from across the map and landed on the head of the guy I was shooting at. He died and I'm not sure if it was the bike or me.

I live longer now.  I plan far ahead.

I don't get as upset anymore when I die, I mostly just respawn and focus.

I think I have changed much more than the game has. For all the tweaks and patches and DLC, it is still what it was in the beta. You are given a setting, tools and an objective. Go. But I, I have changed so much more as a player of the game and as a gamer overall.

A year down the road, me and BF3 has settled, moved in together, established routines. I often recognise the names of one or two of the players in a round, having played with or against them before. Out of the millions of players there is, I'd say that is a sign that I'm getting comfortable here in digital Iran.

And there is no place like home.

I will judge you

I am an open minded person. By that, I mean basically two things: First, I am more than fairly tolerant and accepting in regards to people's behaviours and backgrounds.

Second, I can change my opinion if I have cause to do so. If you first come off as a jerk, I will give you a second chance. If I don't agree with your opinion, you might convince me. I say might.

However, if you send me stupid messages, I will judge you.

I will judge you.

If you're going to send me messages and ask me to play, wondering what I'm doing away from BF3, please don't phrase it like this:

"this game needs some sexy"

"wish u were here with me"

"naaaawww, come on my blonde nurse, just one game?"

"make it hot in here"'

Two strikes and you are out. Do not presume that I have any sexual/romantic interest in you. Do not send messages to me of a kind that you would not send to any other male BF-buddy. It actually makes me sad and angry, because when you do that, you are telling me that the main or only reason you are playing with me is not because I'm fun to play with, that I perform well or that we generally get along, but because I have tits and you are fantasizing about me and making stuff up in your head about me.

If I know you well enough, I don't mind a little banter, and my jokes can be as dirty as anyone's - but if you had bothered to find anything out about me you'd know that:

1)  I think it is ridiculous to try and pick up girls through BF3, and if you try you must be very lonely - which is not my problem, so don't make it my problem. Focus on the game and PTFO. That goes between rounds too. I'm not going to go from "shit, there's only nine more tickets left!" to "sure, big boy, sex me up"

2) : If I want to flirt or if I'm in the mood for some dirty talk, the person I'm interested in doing that with will know. I assure you. I would make your head spin.

 If you can't understand and respect that a woman gets bothered and annoyed at the constant barrage of what social misfits would mistake for flirting, and you somehow think you are very special and you're the only one who came up with the idea sending these kinds of messages, think again. I'm in a shit storm of sometimes rather creepy sexual attention that I didn't ask for by being born with a high pitched voice and a taste for gaming. If you like to jack off to the fantasy of a gamer chick, by all means do, but don't fucking inform me about it.

Now fuck off.

I'll take that machine gun, please.

How could I have overlooked the M240B? With a foregrip and flash suppressor that thing will leave entire squads and all their friends at your feet.

I got a brand new baby.

Being a woman who loves BF3 means....part 3

Now I really like the social aspect of online gaming, and I've met a lot of really fun and interesting people while playing BF3. Playing by oneself is just not as fun as going together. I've also run into some annoying idiots and assholes, as have we all. But when you are a woman there is a extra dimension to the annoyance, and I will try to list what annoys me the most right now,  and why.

1. "You are so beautiful, girls who game are sooo hot!"
I don't remember asking for your opinion of my fuckability, so don't share. You probably mean well (and now I'm probably giving you way more credit than you deserve), but think about it, please. Women spend their entire lives being constantly graded for their looks and are expected at all times to serve as decor. I'm here to play a game, let me have my time off.


2. "It's so nice to see a girl who takes gaming seriously, there are so many fake attention whore girl posers acting like they are all special because they play cod"
Yeah, we're doing this for you. It's all for you. Without male approval, we wither and die. I am so thankful that you, Random Boy Gamer, are willing to bestow upon me my Gamer Certificate. And your willingness to stereotype and bash other female players is very comforting to me and makes me feel special.

3. "Are you really a girl?"
No, I can assure you I am not. Haven't been one since I lost the pigtails, grew boobs and got a job. Are you really a boy?

4. "Make me a sandwich! Haha I'm just kidding."
No you are not. You are a tiresome coward who wants to have an outlet for your misogyny and get away with it, and you can not possibly offer anything of interest in a social setting, seeing that you can't even try to be creative or show some backbone when you are insulting people.

All you guys from 1-4: you are annoying me and I know can't get rid of you. I just have to wait until you learn to behave, or until you die out and leave only the more evolved specimens here. Problem is I'm not a patient woman, as my sniping stats will clearly tell you, and you are incredibly slow to learn. I have hope though.

Weird conversations

After winning a squad DM (and being MVP :), I got the following message from some guy we beat:

"tryhard"

to which I answered:

"notmuch"

and got back:

"u try 2 hard 2 win"

and I answered:

"thanks obi wan"

and was left a bit confused again. I mean, we did win. We won the rounds after that too. We won til everybody left the server. And honestly, we really didn't have to try that hard. Was he trying to be funny? I don't get it.

Anyway, our little platoon of WERE respawners did great, and my god do I love Battlefield when it's like that.

You are forgiven, Battlefield. (But your little badmins are not.)

Three days of stacked teams. Three days of joining servers with 12 shit buckets on the other side while we're stuck with 8 paralyzed and disoriented people sniping (or staring blankly) out of deployment.

And the worst part: Three days of admins kicking me or someone else in my squad the moment we are starting to do well. I get really confused when we go into a server, the other team has all the flags, are leading by 500 tickets and constantly attacking our deployment base. And when we manage so flank, cap a flag or two and rise on the scoreboard, the screen goes black. You've been kicked by an admin. The other day, the winning team with the admin clan in it, kicked almost the whole team we were in. And we never do dickish things.We don't glitch, we don't cheat, we don't break server rules, and with our 100 mbit connection on european servers, we don't lag.

The reason it confuses me is that I don't understand what these people like about the game. They certainly don't seem to enjoy actually playing it. They must do it for the stats I suppose. But they know those stats are fake. And the only place in the world where BF3 stats might seem to matter must be on the BF forums, which only seems to exist for people to be able to stat bash the hell out of each other instead of actually discussing the game.

I have six squad death match losses in a row on battlelog now, and i didn't play a single one of them. All stacked, all admins kicking us. But the ones we actually played, and the ones we won, they were worth it. And I still love you, Battlefield. See you tonight.

So why did I die?

Because I fucking suck.Go to fucking hell Battlefield, I fucking hate you. It's over between you and me. Get out.

We are the Respawn

So, tired of having admins kicking us around to different teams and trying to stay together, we decided that we probably should wear tags to give balancing admins a hint not to split us up. I therefore started a platoon, which means my Battlefield disease has deteriorated even further. I would have laughed at the idea a year ago. Anyways, this is the smallest platoon ever, but it's ours, so. Name is We Are the Respawn. Tag is [WERE]. I'll be rocking it.

Warfighter

I have now pre-ordered Medal of Honor Warfighter. I think it might be a good game, and I would probably have bought it in october. But since you now get beta access to BF4 with the pre-ordered limited edition, I will pre-order. I will take no chances and I will not wait a second longer than I have to, to check Battlefield 4 out.

I guess I will play my BF4 on my PS4 in a little over a year or so. That will be so, so great. I see some people who think the PS4 is coming late 2012, I think they are wrong. Summer 2013 is my guess. And then BF4 almost exactly two years after BF3.

Now there's a thunderstorm brewing up outside, I better get off the computer.

My LvLcap crush

I've got such a crush on LvLcap. I watch a lot of BF3 youtubers and there are many funny, clever, entertaining people there. But LvLcap has this calm, soft voice that I could listen to forever and such an intelligent, humble demeanour. I just love his approach on things. He is analytical and focused whether it is a gun review or competitie gameplay, he never raises his voice or loses his temper. I just adore the man. I should say sorry deadie, but deadie loves him too, so he can't blame me. I somehow suspect he doesn't love LvLcaps voice quite the way I do, though...

So why did I die? part 2

Checked the scoreboard and noticed that I'd died 6 times, no revives. Then I get killed again and that particular foe has got me 0-7. So I guess the reason I died was that guy. And there was really not much to learn except staying the hell away from him.

Being a woman who loves Battlefield means... part 2

1. Getting stalked and followed from server to server by weird people whom I have never talked to.
2. Being asked my bra size when informing my squad that the enemy is holed up behind the shed by the B-flag on Damavand peak.

This is what I do not love about you, Battlefield.

One woman army

Just had a weird experience. I was alone in my team, up against four other players on Seine Crossing. Don't know why they stayed on the server. Don't know why I stayed. There was certainly no chance of winning or even having a decent game. But it was fun at moments. Like taking out their whole squad and capping B. Or just hiding. Ended up MVP 2, got a nemesis ribbon from one of them, went 23-25 - not good but under the circumstances..

Still wonder why they stayed.

Crash and burn

I've got a confession to make. I suck at vehicles. I have destroyed about a thousand more vehicles than I have gotten kills with them. The reason is simple - in the beginning, when i sucked at everything, just shooting straight with an assault rifle was hard enough. Vehicles, they were the advanced class. And later, when I had figured the infantry part out, everybody else had gotten really good at driving tanks and flying choppers. So it seemed a waste of a precious commodity to selfishly claim an attack chopper and smashing it to bits. I'd never even consider a Kasatka - plunging half the team into their graves, no way.

I have zero jet kills. Zero. Jets are a bitch to fly. And by bitch I mean they are awesome, but they are not, um, user friendly.

Anyway, this is my new project. Learning to fly. And to do that, I used a throwaway account, I bought the air vehicle shortcut (I deserve some slack, goddammit), I went to empty servers and I flew.

I mean, I crashed horribly.

But after a couple of hours of flying Vipers, Little Birds and Frogfoots, I decided to try it out on a populated server. They were shooting at me there. Not helping at all!

I managed to get a couple of kills with the Little Bird (lovely little machine) and some vehicle destroys.

But I'm not really impressing myself right now. And it's really hard to even get the choppers in the first place. Everybody wants to fly - which was never a problem before, hell, take the death trap away from me, I'd say.

As far as jets go, I managed to get a lock on another jet. Just the lock, I didn't even hit it. I still consider that my greatest achievment in flying.

Karaoke nights will kill you

I'm drunk again, and I shouldn't be writing.. I shouldn't be playing either, but we'll see how this goes...

EDIT: oh no.

I hate hate hate these

constant fucking freezes! I'd say it's even worse after the latest patch, although now it never freezes in combat but always in the respawn menu. Always. I get so furious since it has nothing to do with me, I can not do anything about it. And for me, the problem is multiplied by the fact that I can't join deadie in his game without throwing him OUT of the server. So if we're playing together he needs to quit the game and rejoin with me. Same when his game freezes, I need to quit and rejoin.

This is what I do not love about you, Battlefield.

Play with me DICE!

There´s a premium exclusive event this week where you can play with DICE developers. For the ps3 its on wednesday the 27, and I think xbox is the 28th. They have said to keep our eyes on http://blogs.battlefield.com/ for further information. This is such a great idea, I'd love to play with the devs, see how they play and maybe even ask a question or two. Oh and I want those DICE-dogtags really bad!

Damavand Danger

And this, by RoyalVegas. You make beautiful things, youtube battlefielders!

A nightmare at Metro

I am constantly amazed by the creativity of this community. This is another wonderful machinima made by someone called kbmwla93.

So why did I die?

1. Grenades. They get me every time. Sometimes, when there is no grenade around, I will run in a random direction and find one.
2. Bolt action sniper rifles. Not that I get killed by them too often, but trying to use one of them equals death. I am a terrible sniper.
3. The Gun Master mode. Who ever thought that shit up? I'll be running around with my MP443 getting headshot by the guy who took five minutes to advance to a JNG90.
4. Running around corners. Yep. I'm still doing that. And in spite of my complaints, the corners have still not been nerfed. Seems DICE only listens to the whines of angry forum trolls.

Love is shooting at random digital shit

Fuck, DICE, what did you do? You took a perfectly normal rpg/adventure gamer and you distorted her, destroyed her. Now she watches the Medal of Honor trailer thinking that looks really cool and interesting.

Sister machine gun

I haven't been blogging much lately. That is partly because of, well, summer. And various obligations. But I have been busy on the Battlefield. I decided, much on a whim, to start a new "character". Soldier. Whatever you call them, I don't know. Anyway, I do have more than one account on my PS3, and that is about what you need.

Besides my illuminatia-account, I have my "Shaktie"-account ("shakti" being the ultimate divine feminine power or force streaming through the universe in hindu tradition - well you gotta have aspirations!), which I have occasionally used in Battlefield to test things out and fooling around with stupid ideas, and as a sub-account to Shakti I have had the "sistermachinegun"-account, which I have rarely or ever used for anything. I created it years ago just because I liked the sound of it, it is taken from an essay where the author says we humans are "placing our faith in sister machine gun, brother bomb" (it is also the name of a band which I do not listen to). And now I thought, what could be a better gamertag for a soldier than that?

So I dusted sistermachinegun off, and off she went. All iron sights and no gadgets. A measly rank 0 incapable of even placing a claymore. I missed my AEK badly, and kept pressing right as an engineer only to get reminded that I have no mines. No mines, no claymores, no C4, no SOFLAM, no MAV no NOTHING. But what I had was fun. Since I have everything unlocked if I want to on my illuminatia account, and I have all the ribbons and thousands of flag caps and kills, nothing really meant anything with sistermachinegun except playing, and trying to manage with what I got. She is currently at rank 43 and I have my golden leaf. It's a start.

And this is interesting to me. My stats when I'm doing it from scratch. Remembering my awful, AWFUL beginnings and how I was constantly disoriented and dyingdyingdying, I look at my stats now and they are decent. Really. I have a kdr of 1,15 and an spm of 749. 749! How about that? I'm kinda proud.

Language

On account of the traffic I get from other countries, and the fact that google translations from swedish to english are plain ridiculous, I am changing the language of the blog. I will translate earlier posts myself, but it will take a couple of days. And since english is my second language, I am sure I will make some mistakes. But I'm still better than google at this. Which isn't saying a lot.

Got a shit bucket???

No? You need to prioritize. I have laughed so hard at this, watched it five times and I'm still laughing...

Rape metaphores

I hate them. Could you please stop using "rape" as a synonym for crushing superiority? I guess most of you use it out of habit and as part of the jargon, and you will say it does not mean anything, and that it isn't an expression of hatred or contempt against women, and that it doesn't even have anything to do with women. It's just words, just a game.

But you are mostly male. You have the luxury of living in a world where you are not the ones defined as rapable (although you are sometimes raped too), and where rape isn't a constantly present threat that you are supposed to adjust your lives to. You are not making decisions every day that takes rape into account, when walking to your car, when a strange man approaches you, when your boyfriend comes home.

And the most important thing: every sixth woman has been raped, many more have been subjected to sexual violence, even more have experienced seriously rape threatening situations. So when you say you raped someone in the game, you are most likely saying it to someone who has been raped or has a girlfriend, friend, sister, mother who has been raped. And you just labelled the perpetrator as a "winner".

How a person chooses to express him- or herself is always an individual choice, and you can choose to think that your own interpretation takes precedence and that 1) other people should understand how and what you really mean or 2) no one should fucking tell me how to speak because I say what the fuck I want and if people have a problem with that they are too fucking sensitive and that's their problem. Or 3) "I know a girl/I am a girl and she/I have absolutely NO problem with this, so if anyone else has, they are being RIDICULOUS.

Or you could just follow the main rule: Don't be a dick.

In any case, don't just throw the word around without a thought. It is not trivial.

Come closer, give me more

I am now a premium player. It cost me 500 SEK, but I am now a little more prime, a little more exclusive. Was it worth it? Yes. If you are going to get all the expansions, which I know I will, going premium will actually save you some money. Plus you get early access. So really it’s a no brainer. Will it give me more Battlefield? Yes. Very well, take my money, DICE.

And at the same time as I became a premium player and my menu guy started to glow like he just swallowed a radio active Jesus,  I also got access to Close Quarters. So I should have been happily skipping around the Ziba Tower wielding my pretty, new combat knife, but alas, this launch coincided with terrible job stress, concert tickets, the Prometheus premiere, a visit from mom etc and etc. So I haven’t played that much.

From the time I have spent in close quarters I can say this much: first time I spawned into the Donya Fortress I loved it. I spent the whole round just: “ilovethisilovethis”.  It’s tight, winding, full of little rooms and corners and corridors and holes in the ground and holes in the floors. And it flows. You never need to stop and you can flank everybody anywhere.  It gets a bit frantic, not what I’m used to, and it doesn’t really set the stage for tactical, careful gameplay. But it’s another flavor of battlefield, another side to its personality, and I find the tight, vertical gameplay incredibly entertaining. I just wish there were room for 24 players so you could seamlessly put it in a mixed map rotation, because I think it would be at its best as an upbeat release after a slower, dead serious Kharg Island or Firestorm.

And also, the maps are gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I haven’t unlocked much of the weapons, but my first one was the AUG, which I’ve been interested in trying out since the trailer, and my god is it a great weapon! A bit slow for very close combat, but it’s crazy accurate, I mean crazy. Where you aim, it will hit. It has virtually no recoil. You can mag dump, it will not move. Plus, it’s a bullpup so it moves fast sideways even ADS. I will spend many hours cradling that baby. 

Thank you, DICE

They are fixing the stat tracker bug today. Surprisingly fast, but that bug was totally game breaking so I can only imagine the frenzy at DICE these last few days.

FAMAS the Avenger

Update from DICE regarding the stat tracking problem. Appearently if someone - any player in a round, not just you - uses the FAMAS, it interrupts stat tracking for everybody on that server. 

It's easily the sickest bug so far. Now the trolls don't have to settle for pulling out the M26, doing 408 damage per shot, they can also rock the FAMAS and shut down the stat tracking for everyone.

I find it amusing though, in an ironic kind of way, thinking that the FAMAS now is visiting its revenge on us for the crippling nerf it got last patch. That weapon has gone from OP to UP and now its glitched?! Some french gun god is not pleased with the BF3 community and has decided to destroy us all.

Bow before me, puny players.

Bugs, bugs

The third time I got my 48:th service star with the AEK-971 I started to suspect something was not right. Battlelog hasn't recorded my stats for like three days. Huh.

Beautiful!

Justify my love

I don't know if it's ok to love Battlefield this much. I am a grown woman. I have a garden to grow.

Maybe it's because I don't fit into the fps-stereotype. None of my friends play games (except for Rumble and Drawsome and Farmville and...you know) I can't tell my friends I had such a great round on Operation Firestorm last night. And if I tell them deadie spawned on me they will assume I just offered way too much information about our sex life.

It's like I carry this bad conscience around that I wouldn't have had if I had spent two hours every week night watching TV or sewing curtains or something.

Or maybe it's the perception that all other interests are hobbies, but computer games are an addiction. Have you ever heard of anyone badly addicted to golf? Reading? Painting? But if I spend 200 hours on Dragon Age, people get worried.

Games is an amazing medium, and we are only at the beginning. And as an artform - people who don't game don't understand how many creative, artistic decisions that go into making a game. What it means to be the actor inside the artwork. The feel of it, the memories, the experiences.

Instead, you have to defend it. Or make up things that games are good for. "You get really fast thumbs!" As if laughing and crying and cursing at the game is not enough, it needs to be useful too. How useful is a carousel? A painting of a boat? A mystery novel? And all this is worse when it coes to fps:es. It is seen as immature, as a pastime for children - but still, no, no, children should not play such wicked games.

Women shouldn't play such games either. It is obvious, because in the gaming world women are often treated as, well, game characters. Game + woman = game woman, meaning a sexualized object. In the fantasies of gamers I meet online, I have DDD cups and am playing the game naked except for my bikini armour. And those who realize it is not so, act resentful and bitter about it, like they were cheated out of something, and instead decide that  you are a cunt, an attention whore, a fat bitch. 

It's weird when you are none of the above at all. Just a gamer.
 

And outside of the virtual world, oh my. I went into my local game store to buy a new headset. The guy behind the counter asked me "Who is it for?" Well who the fuck do you think it's for? My dog? The Battlefield keychain and the Nemesis dog tag tank top under my suit jacket didn't tip you off?
 

I wish I could explain how beautiful it is by the Caspian Border when the sun glares over the hills and through the foliage. What it feels like to break out with your squad when the enemy has all the flags, to flank, to turn the game around. To make that impossible head shot. To get to your squad mate in time to revive him. It may be a totally useless thing to do, with no function in the real reality where I live, but I really don't want to make up excuses as to why I do it.

I do all those other things. I feed banana peels to my roses. I do the laundry.

And I love Battlefield. I'm sorry. But that is my real reality.

Best loadout ever?

If I really, really cared about my stats I would've had nightmares last night. Instead I dreamed of Mario Kart with EOD-bots. We started playing at around 19:30 yesterday (that's 7.30 PM), and had a couple of rounds, doing so so, you know, win some, lose some. Spent way too much time on Kharg Island. It was me, deadie, Geefat, Treton04 and Gruby_Dupek. Vatreni007 and his clan joined in for a while and we just didn't have enough room for everybody in the squad. 4 slots is not a lot, really.

It was a fun night of BF3 and I didn't want to quit, although it was getting really late and my accuracy was, um, no longer accurate. At about 02:00 it was just me, deadie and Geefat left, and that's when we had the idea we never would have had five hours earlier. We started to choose some seriously stupid loadouts for each other.

We started off using only the EOD-bots. Three EOD-bots in a row just racing down the streets of Seine Crossing, crashing, jumping, twisting around the feet of the enemy. They must have been terrified, with the WALL-E squad chasing them. I actually managed to arm an M-com, so I did something useful. But I went 2-12 that round, half of those deaths being suicides just to get myself a new WALL-E.

The next round we chose the USAS-12 for Metro. I know what you're thinking. Shotguns on Metro=killing spree. But we put 7x scopes on them. And flechette rounds. No hipfire. Good luck. A while into the round we were all lying down, camping the same corner looking down the same corridor. All we could see was the tile pattens on the walls. And then deadie tells us they are coming from behind.

Next loadout, and once again we're on Metro, is the SKS with IRNV and soflams. We put soflams everywhere. It was actually not that stupid, because they will blind players, and are easily mistaken for laser sights so they turned out to be rather decent decoys. But a sniper rifle with a scope that will not work past 30 meters - 10 meters in daylight - I laughed myself to tears.

I think it cost me 30 deaths. But oddly enough I didn't care too much. Usually I will curse my tongue black if I have just one minus kill, but I had insane amounts of fun, and I guess that is the point of the game anyway.

And I wonder what those people we actually managed to gun down were thinking when they saw our loadouts on the killcam. 7x scope och flechette? They must be total idiots.

Probably.

Lagbyten. There's a time and there is a place.

Igår hade jag den sämsta rundan sedan jag började spela. Det var fruktansvärt. Eller nej, när jag säger att det var fruktansvärt underdriver jag katastrofen. Jag kan länka min battle report som en illustration. Det gör fan ont att titta på den.

På grund av balanseringen från tidigare matcher hade jag hamnat ensam i mitt lag, medan deadie spelade med Treton04 och Geefat, två jättetrevliga skåningar som har hängt på min server länge, och vet hur man spelar bf3. Jag kunde inte byta lag för vi var betydligt många färre och låg under så stort - och jag menar inte att jag inte kunde per se, jag är admin och kan flytta folk som jag vill, utan jag gjorde inte det för att det är inte snyggt. Jag bet i det sjukt sura äpplet och dog 30 gånger. Jag spelade i det laget i säkert fem rundor innan jag kunde hoppa över. Men ingen annan runda gick så vansinnigt dåligt som den här.

Vi hade några spelare i vårt lag som klarade sig bra individuellt, en Mrs_Obama bland annat (rolig gamertag), men framför allt en kille, som låg som MVP. Han var väl en av anledningarna till att vi inte blev spawn trapped i vår deployment, han tog ut deras fordon och spelade typ tusen gånger bättre än jag den matchen.

När rundan äntligen började gå mot sitt slut hoppar han över till det andra, vinnande och numerärt överlägsna laget. Jag märkte inte det först, jag var för upptagen med att sprängas, skjutas och köras över. Men deadie blir skitsur och kickar honom. Det är första och enda gången någon kickats från servern utan att ha kört med M26. Men deadie tyckte det var så dålig stil att han ville inte ha honom i sitt lag, och ärligt talat ville jag inte ha honom i mitt heller - hur nyttig han än var - om han överger laget för att slippa en förlust.

Sedan spenderade deadie hela nästa runda med att diskutera med honom. Han var antagligen övertygad om att han kickades för att han var mvp eller nåt, och hotade med att rapportera hit och dit. När deadie skrev att han kickades för att han dumpade sitt lag, skrev han bara "yeah sad team". Det kanske blir så när man lägger för mycket vikt vid sina stats. Killen är rank 145, en effektiv spelare och jag gissar att han har en snygg w/l ratio. Och att det är viktigt för honom. Hans förklaring var att han skulle joina sin kompis i det andra laget. Men varför inte göra det i början av rundan? Vid kartbyte? Eller att hans kompis byter och går in med honom i det lag som desperat behöver fler spelare, bra spelare?

Jag ska byta min server description - ny regel: don't be a dick.

Being a woman who loves BF3 means...

...getting a squad mate who runs across the whole map to throw himself into the crossfire at the Grand Bazaar alleyway to "protect" you. As if  your assault avatar was somehow more vulnerable and weak than the others - and even though you currently outscore him by 2000 points and 8 kills. (Dude, you are blocking my view! And what the hell were you doing on the other side of the map earlier, anyway?)

Then you will hear that same person calling everyone bitches and pussies and whores, as if being labelled as "female" is the worst thing you could do to someone.

Sigh.

Now, if you are using "whore" as an insult and offer to "rape" people, I will assume you hate women. I'm sorry, but I have learned it is better to err on the side of caution in these matters. And here's a tip: If you happen to find a lady in your team, try to remember that this game does not offer points for medieval behaviour, which you can later trade in for boobs IRL. And if you happen to come across a woman in the opposite team, just behave like a normal person and gun her down.

What the hell...

I am so bad. I am so bad at this I suck fucking horses ass. Shitty fucking game, I hate it. I swear will never play it again. Go to hell, Battlefield. Fuck!

Max 1750 tikets grand Baazzard

God I feel so smart and educated browsing the servers nowadays. I get that not everyone knows english well enough to spell "tickets" correctly. But someone should be able to do it, right? And if you are rank 70 you must have spent approximately an hour of just staring at the Grand Bazaar loading screen. How is it even possible that nobody gets it right? Bazaar. Try it. First one a, then two. the z goes in the middle. Or Sienne, Senie, Sennei, Siane...SEINE! It runs through Parris in Franse.

We shall overcome

Har ni gnällt någon gång på hur svårt det är att få laget med sig? Har ni svurit någon gång och undrat var laget är någonstans? Gänget jag spelade mot igår behövde aldrig fundera, för de satt ihop. Jag menar det i princip bokstavligen. De kunde lika gärna ha hållit hand allihopa. Jag spelade med xAlfbertx och Schnappy, två killar jag haft på min server men aldrig spelat tillsammans med förut. Och jag är alltid lite blyg för nya människor, men till slut satt jag bara och skrattade - det såg så jäkla skumt ut när motståndarna drog runt i flock.

Ibland kom de som en skolklass på utflykt, ibland kom de liksom på rad - tripp, trapp, trull och vad än som kommer efter trull - 12 pers på väg till samma flagga. Det var som en tecknad film. Och 12 personer låter inte mycket, men föreställ er att kika runt ett hörn, eller in på gården vid C-flaggan på Seine crossing och det är 12 fiender där. Godnatt. Å andra sidan kunde man lugnt gå till en flagga där flocken inte var, sätta sig och ta en fika där, kolla lite på husen och inte behöva bekymra sig för att någon skulle störa friden.

Det gick inte så lysande för mig kd-mässigt, slutade på 30-30, det var sent och jag var lite för trött för att ändra spelstil och plocka dem på lite avstånd, istället sprang jag in i dem och dog. Det gick bättre för xAlfbertx, som fick 78 kills, och jag vet inte hur många gånger han hann döda folk jag sköt på - han var väldigt snabb, och jag tror han är den sortens spelare som trivs i lite kaos.

Två saker jag lärde mig igår:
1. Ta den där lilla stunden och tänk igenom hur man spelar smartast under de aktuella omständigheterna, och lägg om din spelstil när det behövs.
2. Jag förstår verkligen inte östgötska särskilt bra :(

Social gaming

One thing I always liked about my illuminatia psn-handle was that illuminatia didn't have any psn-friends. Had. Battlefield has ruined that for me, Or, ruined...changed.

I never played to socialize. My gaming world has been private. My own personal adventures. When I found a secret cave in Zelda, it was there for only me. When I met my first zombie I was alone. And Valen Shadowbreath has never loved anyone but me. The only person I've really gamed with is deadie. And that was how we spent time together when we first met and lived in different cities - we played Dungeon Siege co-op online during the week, and took turns with the controller in FFXII on weekends. And I had no interest in playing more socially. I just did not understand what interacting with random strangers would have to offer me.
 

And along came Battlefield 3. Squad up! I was suddenly thrown into a situation where I had to communicate and co-operate with random people chosen for me by the game.I was hoorahed by strangers and friend requested by squad mates I kept alive on Tehran Highway. My friend list is growing and I am actually having fun. Today I played with a croatian guy - Vatreni007 has hoorahed me for weeks on Battlelog, so I played with him for a while. He seemed like an ok fellow, an it was interesting to play with him, since he chose different routes than the ones I usually take...
 

When you play like this, you know very little about each other. I don't know who you are, how you live, where you stand on politics or religion (unless your gamertag is JezusZaves99) - all I know is is if you can play, if you can cap a flag and hold it, if you try to help your team, if you are respectful. And that is enough. I suppose on a regular night I can play with construction workers, feminists, engineers, kindergarten teachers, red cross doctors, nazis, bakers, dyslectics, garden enthusiasts, rapists, cat lovers, social workers or terrorists (didn't Breivik play CoD?). And I can't know any of that.

I only know if you will throw me a med kit when I'm down to 5% health.

There is beauty in that. There is a strange hope for humanity in a game where we are shooting each other.

Donya Fortress. Sounds like a dream.

and looks amazing.

I'm getting confused about whether I should hope for a rainy summer now?

Skam över mig

Jag har en liten Battlefieldbaby - en server, och den är min. Jag har haft den sedan Rent-a-server kom för en månad sedan, och den heter "en svensk j@<1a server". För att det är så svårt ibland att hitta en svensk jävla server, om man vill prata obehindrat med folk. Där spelar jag de kartor jag vill, med det antal tickets jag vill, med vem jag vill. Bete dig som ett arsle och du är ute, hejdå. Jag är admin. Jag är Gud.

Men just nu är jag en mycket nedslagen och skamsen gud. Ni förstår, jag känner ett märkligt ansvar för den här servern och de som spelar där. Under den tid som servern funnits har den fått en hel del stammisar som man börjar känna igen och trivas med. Och jag vill att folk ska trivas. Jag vill att folk ska tävla, PTFO, och jag vill inte se någon hänga i deployment och stat-padda. Och jag vill fan inte att folk ska fuska. Som ni fattat av tidigare inlägg är jag ingen anhängare av förbud. Min inställning är att alla ska spela för att vinna, med de medel som spelet tillhandahåller och avser att tillhandahålla. USAS med frags må ha varit ett monster, men den var där och fri för alla att använda. Jag har inte haft några vapen- eller andra restriktioner på min server och tycker det är tråkigt med sånt. Det gäller förstås inte hacks och glitchar, men det brukar inte vara något problem när man spelar på PS3:an.

Men nu har jag satt upp min första restriktion. Det är så efter patchen, att om du har ett assault rifle utrustat med heavy barrel, och du kör m26 på underslung rail, då kommer varje pellet från m26 att göra den skada som ett enda skott från ditt assault rifle gör. Det blir 408 i skada varje gång om du har en G3A3. Det är en bugg, och helt vansinnigt, för det ger en OHK på avsevärda avstånd. Så därför har jag nu servermeddelandet: "using the bugged m26 MASS/DART with heavy barrel =kick/ban and a nasty curse on your analog parts". Och jag har inte sett mycket av den, folk på servern verkar respektera regeln och annars är det hejdå.

Ok. Bra. Men, säger ni nu, du skrev att du var nedslagen och skamsen?

Jo, så här ligger det till: Igår blev deadie dödad av en MASS, av en spelare som hette Mightymus78. Nå, deadie kunde inte se på killcamen vad han hade för attachments på sitt assault rifle, så jag rände efter honom, dödade honom, deadie plockade upp hans kit, jag bytte lag och deadie dödade mig med det för att kolla. Ja, det verkar kanske krångligt, men se det som att er hängivne admin var redo att dö för att vara säker. Och Mightymus78:s kit var helt legit, ingen heavy barrel. Jag var himla nöjd med det, för han hade spelat rundan innan och var en bra spelare som jag ville inte bli av med. Han och hans polare nippe75 dödade mig som fan på Grand Bazaar – och jag är lite av en masochist, jag gillar sånt även om jag svär som en full sjöman med tourettes när jag ger någon en nemesis ribbon. All well and dandy.

Men så kommer ett mess från Mightymus78. "ban Sternobyl, he uses bugged mass!"

Fan, tänker jag då. För Sternobyl har hängt på servern sedan dag ett och han är såvitt jag sett en schysst spelare. Han spelar med Stiff-Reason, en rätt trevlig göteborgare som hamnade i min squad en gång när jag när jag balanserade om lagen (gör jag extremt sällan, men om man är typ 12 örnar mot 4 rank 8-14 är spelet inte roligt för någon.)

Så vi snackade med Sternobyl. Han låg vid det laget etta i vårt lag med 55 kills. Man kan lugnt säga att MASS:en funkade för honom… Han sade att han inte fattat hur det funkade med kombon, och jag antar att det är många som inte känner till buggen och inte begriper att man inte behöver göra något, M26:an är buggad som den är just nu. Jag har själv använt den och bara plöjt genom folk, innan jag fattade att något blivit fel. Man kan tycka att servermeddelandet är en fet heads-up, men vad vet jag. Men Sternobyl var inte ett arsle om saken, han bara lät uppriktigt förvånad och tog bort den på en gång, och jag har inte på de timmar jag sett honom på servern sett honom köra fult eller ens rocka en frag-USAS. Så Sternobyl hade tur, och jag har en soft spot för stammisar.

Och nu är allt INTE well and dandy. Jag plågades av sjukt dåligt samvete igår gentemot de i andra laget som dödats av hans MASS när JAG specifikt FÖRBJUDIT den. Jag hade svåra skuldkänslor för att Mightymus78 faktiskt uppmärksammade mig på detta, och vad hade han för det? Ingenting, det är vad. Skam över mig och skam över min server. Jag typ vred mig av olust i soffan och klagade så mycket på mitt eget beslut att deadie började skratta åt mig och fråga om jag ville banna Sternobyl i efterhand? Och det tänker jag ju inte göra, eftersom han inte varit ett arsle, vad jag vet, och man kan liksom inte ändra sig hur många gånger som helst. ”Jaha”, säger deadie, ”admin from hell, du får väl nästa gång bara banna rakt av. Det är bara ett spel, gör som du vill.”

Och ni vet vad jag säger om det. DET ÄR INTE BARA ETT SPEL. En aktivitet man lagt över 400 timmar på är inte "bara" något alls. Och problemet är ju att jag gör som jag vill. Nästan. Inte ens en hängiven admin kan äta kakan och ha den kvar. Och vad är en admin värd om man inte är rättvis och håller ordning?

Så Mightymus78, jag är skyldig dig en ban. Eller åtminstone en kick. Om du någonsin återkommer till en svensk j@<1a server, säg bara namnet och han är borta.
Stal han din tank? Hejdå.
Dödade dig lite för ofta? So long, sucker.
Gav dig ingen ammo? You have been kicked by admin.

Jag är Gud, och jag hör bön. Oftast.

Ammo b4 revive please

Ran around Metro with zero ammo for my AEK an three bullets in my G18. Was desperately looking for an ammo pack or another kit to pick up. I knifed my way through, and every time I died I was revived. And I can never deny a revive, it feels like giving up. Finally I found a kit - a recon kit with a 12x scope. On Metro! No mystery as to why he was lying dead next to the flag....Anyway, we won, and I ended up fifth, 27-6, got one of my beloved combat efficiency ribbons, but really felt I could have done more for the team if support people got that when they hear "Ammo, ammo, I need some fucking ammo!", it is NOT the game randomly adding to the atmosphere of desperation. I mean how hard could it possibly be to push the left button?

Once I chased a support guy from one end of the map to another - "Ammo! Ammo!" Revived him three times - "I need some fucking ammo!" - and I thought that sooner or later he will at least drop one for himself. Did he? No. He was runnig an M249 with extended magazine so why bother?

There's a party in the ticket hall

I don't drink too often. Or that much. Once, when my boyfriend and I were buying some beer to bring to the Arvika music festival, we didn't know where the liquor store was. But last night I was at a party at a good friends house. I had a great time and loads of fun, as is often the case when one combines lots of wigs with lots of alcohol. Still, I was home before midnight. I had had some wine, I was giggly and a little wobbly. And I decided to play a little. As you can tell, my judgement was somewhat impaired too.

Here we go.

Noshahr Canals.
I have severe tunnel vision and everything except the red dot in my sight is very blurred.
I can't hit the broad side of a barn. No, really, it's not just a saying -  I literally can not hit the broad side of the magazine by the docks.
I am writing strange messages to my team mates.
I have a vague feeling that soon, I will feel a bit ashamed.
I don't really care.

I'm noticing that I do some things automatically, like reloading, checking the mini map, taking cover (but I can't really GET to the cover because I'm disoriented). But the overall perception of the game, Jesus. Are we RU or US? I'm running around the A-flag containers without even noticing that the enemy is burning and capping it. A tank? Was that a tank? I can't see... oh look! A big glowing square with a dot in it, it IS a tank! And it's designated! And I've got a Javelin!

Soflams. I love them. Saved my drunk ass.
I ended up somewhere in the middle of the scoreboard, went 13-4, got an antivehicle and a flag defender and realised that the only thing working for me was that nothing really got me stressed. And that I happened to be on the better team.
Then your happy drunk went 65-35 on Metro, MVP 3. Like I said, some things you just do automatically. Like chasing people fron the Ticket hall-flag.

Learning curve

I love bf3stats and their graph over how your performance has changed over time, and what has happened between every update. The numbers geek in me gets all giggly from all the statistics.

A strange thing I noticed about my stats there though, is what happened on the 14 of march. Before the 14th, everything went steadily up, in a predictable pace - kdr, kpm, spm, w/l... But on the 14th, every curve makes a sharp turn upwards. It' ridiculous - EVERYTHING goes up. Except for my win/lose ratio, which has some kind of hickup, makes a little bump and then starts to go down.

 

I've been thinking like crazy about what it could be, and my guess is that that was when I started to use the AN-94.


Now the AN-94 is a very special weapon. It requires a certain tactic and you need to use it almost like a semi.auto sniper rifle, and be very controlled in CQB. Which meant I had to change my playing style and think differently. Keep my distance, Place myself smarter. And when I changed bak to my beloved AEK, I must have learnt something that I kept.

 

Unfortunately I dropped a bit of the stat I was most proud of - my objective SPM, which up to that point had been in the top 2 % globally.

Ah... you win some, you lose some.

Why the AEK-971 is like Baileys ice cream

Just like the Häagen-Dasz:s Baileys ice cream is both creamy and thirst quenching - two characteristics which are not easy to combine - the AEK has both a controllable recoil and a very high rpm.

One can eat other kinds of ice cream and of course, really enjoy them, but every time one comes back to the Baileys flavour, you appreciate its superiority of taste, consistency and texture.

And of course, with a relatively modest portion in the belly, one has to go lay down for a while.

The AN-94 is more mint chocolate, I'd say. Distinct but saturating, and with double pleasure in each spoonful.

Krigslekar och moral

Fick ett sms idag som fick mig att tänka lite kring de moraliska frågor som kan uppstå när man spelar krigsspel:

"Hej. Jag och min flickvän hamnade i en diskussion efter att ha sett filmen 'Bloody Sunday'. Hon frågade hur man kan spela spel som BF när det handlar att döda varann i en realistisk miljö. Jag svarade att det inte handlar om dödandet, utan om tävlandet. Då tyckte hon att man istället kunde tävla i spel som inte ger dessa moraliska eftertankar. Mina argument tog slut där. Kan du tillföra något i debatten?"

Till att börja med har vi alla vår personliga subjektiva moral som vi använder för att avgöra hur vi bör handla. Vissa tycker tex att sex före äktenskapet är fel, och undviker det. Andra tycker inte alls att det är något fel med det. För att säga att något är moraliskt förkastligt för andra - för alla - så måste man faktiskt kunna argumentera för varför det är så, och argumenten kan inte baseras på eget tyckande eller ens subjektiva känslor.

Ni vet - man har rätt till sina egna åsikter, men inte till sina egna fakta. Och logik är inte ett påhitt av petiga besserwissrar som inte begriper sunt förnuft.

Min första tanke är - är det graden av realism som är störande? För även schack är en krigssimulator som har mycket gemensamt med BF. Jag tänker ofta på BF som schack med självständigt agerande pjäser där du är en. Det är samma strategier, kontrollera linjer, territorier, stäng in motståndaren, använd varje pjäs till vad den är gjord för. Fast istället för två tävlande som kontrollerar varsin uppsättning pjäser, är man 12 pjäser som måste koordinera sig och samarbeta kring en strategi.

Avatarerna må vara mänskliga, men inte mer mänskliga än noggrant snidade kungar, biskopar, bönder och drottningar. Avataren är din pjäs, den är inte du. Du skadar ingen när du spelar (undantaget deras ego) du sätter bara deras pjäs ur bruk för en stund och tar ifrån dem en strategisk fördel.

Argumentet att BF är jämförbart med schack säger dock inget om dess moral. Det kan ju vara så att även schack är moraliskt förkastligt om än ingen människa mig veterligen uppfattar det så. Det kan tex vara så att schackets långa tradition i vår kultur, och den inlärda respekten för schackspelares intellektuella prestation gör oss blinda för att schack har omoraliska aspekter. Det kan också vara så att det som skiljer BF från schack är precis det som gör det omoraliskt.

Men för att döma ut något som omoraliskt måste man ha argument för varför det är så. När vi säger att något är omoraliskt menar vi att det är skadligt, antingen för människor eller för värden vi omhuldar. Vilken skada orsakar det här spelet? En tanke kan vara att krigsspel orsakar våld i verkliga livet - det har inte kunnat visas, så det är svårt att hävda. Vissa studier har funnit samband mellan våldsamma spel och våldsamt beteende, men det går inte att visa att sambandet är kausalt, utan det är lika rimligt att anta att personer med aggressiva tendenser i högre utsträckning söker sig till spel med våldsamt innehåll. En annan tanke är att ett spel som BF förhärligar militären och ger en positiv bild av krig som något spännande, underhållande eller eftersträvansvärt. Jag har inte några data på om krigsspel gör människor mer positiva till militärmakt och krig. I så fall vore det ett argument. Då skulle man dock behöva visa att en positiv inställning till militären bidrar till krig och död. Jag vet inte om det är så, fast jag misstänker att länder som satsar på, och stoltserar med militär styrka kommer att använda den, och troligtvis går villigare in i väpnade konflikter istället för att söka diplomatiska lösningar.

Men det kan också vara så att den här sortens tävlande ger utlopp för aggression som annars skulle tagit sig utlopp i fysiskt våld. Vore det inte intressant om vi istället för att kriga kunde simulera fram utgången av en konflikt genom spel, och på så sätt bespara oss kostnader i människoliv?

Själv har jag inget problem med våldet. När jag spelar är mina motståndare bara pixlar som rör sig, och jag upplever ju inte heller att jag utsätts för våld ens när någons avatar sätter en kniv i min avatars hals. Det enda jag tänker är fan, respawn.

Det finns forskning som tyder på (och ja, jag måste leta upp referenserna) att det är tävlandet mer än våldet som utlöser aggression. Och fps är extremt tävlingsinriktade - det är liksom inte Mario Kart. Man kan tänka sig att det också finns avtrubbningsaspekter i att spela krigsspel. Och jag skulle tycka det var väldigt intressant att se forskning på det - jag vet så många som älskar extremt våldsamma spel och splatterskräck, men som IRL mår illa av att se på nyheterna och nästan svimmar av att se blod i verkligheten. Samtidigt vet vi att hjärnan inte är så bra på att skilja på fantasi och verklighet.

Jag antar att man kan uppleva det som stötande att man gör ett spel, en "lek" av något så fruktansvärt som krig. Att man tar lätt på vad vapen verkligen är, och vad det verkligen innebär att döda en människa. Ett spel som Battlefield har ju inget av det vi vet åtföljer riktiga krig - civila offer, våldtäkter och djupt lidande.

Är en film om krig mer moralisk? Om den verkligen får dig att känna avsmak - vilket förutsätter att du har den förmågan till medlidande? Är en komedi om krig omoralisk?

Det hela är inte enkelt. Och man kan inte kalla något omoraliskt för att man inte tycker om det.

Några besvärande moraliska aspekter som jag dock själv brottas med vad gäller Battlefield är:

1. Chauvinismen
2. Etnocentrismen.

Mycket är skrivet om det redan, men jag tänker skriva mer. I nästa post. Ta-da.

About ratio..

This game is not about kdr, there is so much more depth to it. But its one of the interesting stats. I will never have a decent kdr. I have accepted this. What you see on Battlelog is the total ratio - and believe me, it was a terrible sight in november. After a few weeks of playing I had 973 kills and 2561 deaths, earning me a ratio of 0.38.

I was still rather satisfied with this. 973 kills, fuck yeah! That is 973 ENEMY KILLED 100. 973 injections for my ego. 973 times that someone has seen illuminatia[Scar-H]xxxxxxxx and had to respawn.

But on the whole, 0,38 is not that great. It means I spent way too much time watching my pathetic, bloody hand, fade to black, over and out. And the shame. The shame of being the sinker at the bottom of the scoreboard. There's illuminatia. Check her out.

A ratio of 0,38 says so many other things too. Example: you discover someone standing in the river on Caspian Border. What is he doing? Nothing, as far as you can tell. Is he waiting for something? Getting rid of his tags, maybe? Is he afk cause his cat just fell out the window? No. That is illuminatia with a kdr of 0,38 and she's not sure where she is, but when she looked around she realized how beautifully the sun falls through the foliage and she kinda forgot herself. Free kill, you are welcome.

Or the guy running in circles across the yard of the Seine Crossing C-flag. When you shoot at him he changes weapon twice, throws a grenade and then throws himself on top of it. What the hell was he thinking? I can answer that. Illuminatia with a kdr of 0,38 has realized someone is burning the flag, but she has no idea where you are. She's nervous but sees no-one anywhere. Suddenly you fired your gun and she pushed all her buttons at the same time and when a grenade popped out she got so stressed that her right analogue was pushed in just in time to give her a grenade pillow. Free kill, you can thank me later.

And even if I would have a plus ratio every game now, which I mostly have, actually - and sometimes by a lot :) - it will still take months to get the ratio up when you are well over 4000 kills "in debt". It is a slow process, one good round at a time.

And still I die like an idiot, cause it's the only way you die. Being an idiot. Today I died because some guy was camping the corner of the Seine Crossing D-flag stairs, throwing c4 one by one. I died. And went back there. The thought "c4=support class=unlimited c4" never hit me on my way back to those stairs.

Idiots die.

Then I died because I get eager like a border collie when I see 5 people in a staircase and they all have their backs turned to me. Awesome, you are thinking. But I get so excited I miss them all and I die. Probably from a heart attack. And 5 kill assists does not a ratio make. It does make me an idiot, though.

EDIT: sometimes one dies because it's april, nordic spring, and the constant light outside keeps you from seeing shit on your screen. It is of course a valid point to make, that if you do not adjust your light conditions, you are an idiot.

På tal om nerfs och balans...

...så är det här sjukt roligt. Battlefield friends, igen.

Noob questions, part 3: It's a legitimate strategy. Kinda.

Ok. I'm new to this whole fps thing, but after 200 hours on this game and some hours spent reading this forum I think I'm starting to form an idea of what it's about. You start out with the game. The game is so awesome it has millions of players and is converting action/rpg-gamers like me into manic fans. This is all good. But then it seems that there are a whole lot of things that this bf3/fps-culture expects and assumes that I find confusing. It seems that as a player, you are not supposed to play in certain ways, even if there is no cheating involved.

Seems for example if you don't constantly run around, you are "camping". This "camping"-thing is obviously a big deal, but I don't understand. If I stay in one place someone is going to find me and kill me - that would be bad for me, right? And if you are defending or capturing a flag you kinda have to stay put and survive as long as possible. This is what I expect the other team to do, find any way to survive and defend, and I try to kill the ones running and find the ones hiding. So why is this camping thing such a big deal? How come "camper" is probably the single most used insult? And snipers, are they supposed to run around like this too? Or are you not supposed to use the sniper rifles, or at least not to snipe?

Speaking of snipers, are we supposed to hate them? We are, aren't we? They are not playing the objective, they are not capping flags, getting kills, being useful. But if someone likes to snipe, shouldnt they do it? I figure that I didn't buy their game, I bought mine and no one gets a say in how I spend my time, so why would I have a say in how others play? I rarely play as recon. But I know that the enemies will not spot themselves and no chocolate or roses makes me as happy as a SOFLAM. And what do you do when a sniper bullet whistles past your ear? You run, or you hide, or you try to figure out where it came from, you lose your focus. The sniper might not get you, but he has you preoccupied.


As far as I understand, this game is team based and competitive. I get that you will want your team to play a certain way, you want to coordinate, you want to cooperate. But I wonder: why are people complaining about how the OTHER team is playing? I'm learning new concepts here: spawn rape, base rape (there are so many metaphores for sexual violence in this culture, I'll have to write a post about it.) Isn't that the goal of he game? If I spawn on a claymore, doenst that mean that an opponent was smart enough to block the spawn points? Shouldnt I, or my team, have taken the claymore out, or alerted eachotherto the claymore, snuck past it or just never let the enemy by to plant claymores on the spawn points in the first place? Or is there, again, some cultural nuance I'm missing here?


And why are you not supposed to certain guns, even though they are put in there by the devs as a part of the game? You are supposed to understand which guns annoy people and then not use them. Which flies in the face of the main goal of the game being to annoy and obliterate the other team. I don't get it.

I joined a server yesterday and got the message "baserape=BAN" and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that information. I personally find it tedious to shoot people spawn trapped out of combat zone, it kills the game and nobodys really getting points or having fun. I generally will pull back if there are many tickets left. But as a rule it is useless. If my team has all the flags, exactly how close to enemy deployment am I allowed? One meter? 20 ? Can I aim in that general direction? Can I chase a guy until he's by the flag and then knife him? Am ai allowed to defend the flag closest to the enemy? To trap the other team, prevent them from getting flags and arming m-coms and then win the round is the goal of the game. Uneven teams are no fun, but instead of making stupid rules, rebalance the teams.

I'm thinking, if you run into a strategy or a gun that seems superior, use your brain. I am certainly no better than average as a player, but even I can think of a counter tactic for most situations without whining and calling for a ban or nerf to everything that is killing me (i.e better players).

Dying is learning. If you want to learn.

SOFLAMs

3 Anti Vehicle ribbons på Noshar canals. Få saker gör mig så lycklig som en SOFLAM.

Jag tycker ofta det är svårt att få behålla en SOFLAM uppe, det där laserljuset är ju som ett nyårsfyrverkeri. Och det är rimligt att man kan se den, om SOFLAMs kunde gömmas skulle ingen någonsin ta sig upp i luften. Så när de får vara kvar är det grymt kul. Att samarbeta en recon och en eller två engineers, och bara utplåna motståndarnas fordon är bland det roligaste man kan göra. Tycker jag.

Noob questions part 2. The democratic republic?

A game like this, is it like survivor? I kinda get the impression that an important part of the interaction between players on forums and the like, is to vote off parts of the game until just one weapon/map/game mode/whatever is left. To demand the removal or diminishing of all game elements which are not a basic corridor or a standard weapon seems to be expected behavior. I first noticed how people hated the IRNV. That was first to go. Then people hated frag rounds and wanted them gone. So they were next to go. This far I have heard people wanting to get rid of: snipers, flares, USAS, campers, conquest game mode, FAMAS, stealth, trees, stingers/iglas, the sun!, suppression, Caspian Border, revivals, thermal optics, Operation Metro, large areas and long roads, small areas and choke points, conquest assault, knife animations, shotguns… I know I am forgetting stuff here.

The only thing people agreed on wanting was working voip. I suppose that was because it wasn’t in the game.

What I want to know is: does this work in any way like a democracy? Or is it more like when siblings fight and they want the parents (devs) to take sides? And who gets to vote? Nobody asked me, the noob, whether I love this game just the way it is, with the glaring sun sifting through the leaves on Caspian Border, the snipers on the hills and the faint beep of a T-UGS. Because I do. I love it so much it’s embarrassing. But my kdr sucks, so who am I to speak?

I’m thinking about how I used to be in relationships when I was younger and really stupid, how I fell in love with someone and then started to try and change everything about him into what I thought I wanted. Until there was nothing left but whining, a sinking feeling and a tragic end.

Battlefield friends

De här videorna är helt briljanta. Battlefieldhumor när den är som bäst.

Karma

Let's just all follow the main rule: Don't be a dick

The Hunt

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m chasing. A better ratio. A flag. My pride. Today, I chased a guy from B to C on Seine Crossing like he was the last guy on earth.

Sometimes, it feels like a job. Run to A. Clear out enemies. Cap A. Run to B. Repeat. On to C. Start over.

But there will always be surprises. In this game you have to adapt. Maybe you had a plan, but then two tanks rolled out of enemy deployment and you need to handle it. And you still need to think a few steps ahead. Where are those tanks going? Where will the enemy spawn? If they cap D, what line needs to be held? One guy always means four. One squad can turn everything around.

The Battlefield changes but stays the same.

Hunting headshots, hunting mvp-ribbons, hunting one guy like he's the last guy on earth.

Noobfrågor del 1: Stats och vad de säger om dig.

Som sagt, jag är ny i den här fps-grejen. Men efter sisådär 380 timmar i det här spelet och ansenlig tid på spelforumen tycker jag att jag börjat få en uppfattning om vad det handlar om. Spelet är fantastiskt. Men det verkar finnas en hel massa koder och förväntningar i den här kulturen som förvirrar mig, och jag har några frågor som mer erfarna fps:are kanske kan besvara. Därav kategorin Noobfrågor. Min första fråga gäller stats.

Jag har märkt att på forumen sker diskussioner efter en viss ritual. Någon säger sin åsikt om ett vapen eller en strategi och någon svarar genom att anmärka på att den första personen inte ska uttala sig, för han har under 2000 revives trots att han har tre assault service stars. Den första personen svarar att han minsann inte väcker folk i korseld och den som klagade ska inte säga något för hans näst mest använda vapen är en USAS. En tredje person svarar på det första inlägget, men avslutar med att hans kdr äger ut samtliga tidigare deltagare i diskussionen och därför kan ingen motsäga hans analys av frågan.

Min fråga blir naturligtvis: Om mina stats är bättre än dina, har jag alltid rätt? Är det anledningen till varför man ska förbättra sina stats, för att alla förväntas vika sig för den som har den högsta kdr:en? Och är det i så fall en vettig konvention? För uppenbarligen kan vilken osympatisk idiot som helst, utan känsla för humor, estetik eller social interaktion men med välkoordinerade tummar och inget jobb att gå till, ha absurt hög kdr och spm. Jag skulle inte spela med den killen, eller vilja låta den killen ha något som helst inflytande över vad spelet ska vara eller hur andra ska spela. Men som jag sade: Jag är nooben, vad vet jag?

Så, frågan lyder: när är mina stats tillräckligt bra för att jag ska få tycka något om saker?

Freezing to death

 Today's goals:
1. Aiming for the head and not constantly shooting people in the ass or crotch. 
2. Not to run around corners. Do. Not. Run. Around. Corners.

Goals accomplished:
1. Well. Not quite there. Got some headshots, but mostly thanks to the recoil. My aim seems to be at crotch level by default. And I understand that this will probably not be in any patch note soon, but: shouldn't the crotch get the same 2.0 multiplier as the head? 
2. Went 25-25 on Seine Crossing. Died 11 times by corners,so what do you think? Stupid fucking maps, nerf the corners I say. 

Ribbons I am proud of: 
- Two Nemesis ribbons on Metro. I never get those, I am extatic.  (And to all you guys running into me and trying to hide in corners - thank you so much for dying so much, who ever you were) 

- A Combat efficiency on Grand Bazaar. I never get those either. If I'm doing well and get a bunch of kills before I die, I don't even have to look: I know it was seven kills. I'm the Battlefield Sisyphos stuck on a 7 killstreak. Its infuriating. 

I actually got 2 combat efficiency ribbons today. But my PS3 froze twice in the same round. The first time was okay, I had barely joined the server. So I just restarted and rejoined. And I was on fire. After only a few minutes I had two flag caps, a million revives and a 16/5 ratio going on 100/5 the way it felt. Until. Until I got my combat efficiency ribbon and almost another one. Then it froze again. 

Is crying over lost ribbons more ok if you're a girl? Or does being female mean that you have to be even tougher not to seem like a real girlygirl. And is there anything wrong in that?  Is the only legitimate reaction to just break your controller in a mighty display of rage? 

I need an answer because I can feel a bellowing, snotty-nosed, hick-uppy kind of cry burning behind my eyes ready to blow like c4 behind my  m-coms.

And do not tell me it's just a game. It is NOT JUST A GAME. It has been my only hobby since november. I have seen exactly 4 movies, wrote 0 short stories or poems, played 0 piano, seen 3 friends in real life and bothered with  0 other games. The only reason I have listened to music is because I can do that on my way to work, and I have to go to work. 

Please DICE, fix this, I am freezing to death. The Karkand maps are like the north pole, don't even bother playing Gulf of Oman.  And I'm a grown woman, I cant cry over this. But hell, I almost did. 

Me dying

Rush, Operation Metro, the BF3 beta, PS3. I died. I think I died 18 times, not getting a single kill that first round. Or maybe the 0-18 round came later when I was starting to do a little better. I died. There were people everywhere, shooting at me, but I didn’t see anyone. All I saw were little red crescents on the screen and then my hand when I hit the ground. My hand outstreched, pleading, blood-soaked. I died. My first lesson ws to understand the respawn system, and my conclusion was that I needed to be recon so I would get a spawn beacon. I held it tight to my chest, running across the field. It is possible that I died a hundred times before I got my first kill.

It was such a pretty, green park. Lush, with small steps and stone walls. Maybe that was why I persisted, so that I would one day see the other side of it, instead of dying in my deployment and then spawning in a tunnel somewhere where my hand would plead in the lonely darkness. Maybe it was the park. Maybe it was the same irrational mechanism that make people stay in destructive relationships – the idea that only the one who hurt you can set things right, by taking back the hurtful words and assuring you of their love.

I would never stay with a man who made me feel half as bad as I felt in that park. But I stayed with Battlefield. I stayed until I, humiliated and abused beyond all reason finally got those three magic words. You know.

”ENEMY KILLED 100”

It was probably the best make up sex I ever had. From that moment it was me and Battlefield foreverandeverandever. Like I <3 bf3 carved into the living room table.

There was just one problem. A small gnawing worry. One kill does not a ratio make, and I was horribly bad at shooting people.

And 99% of the other players have played these kinds of games for at least half their lives, I’m sure. Of the million players now populating the servers I would estimate the number who hasn't played through the whole genre of fps-games to amount to about 7 badly raised eleven-year olds and me.

I decided to stay with Battlefield, to adapt or die. Or rather die trying to adapt. And this is my blog about loving Battlefield 3, always trying to do better and sometimes succeeding.

How did I end up here?

I didn’t want to play Battlefield 3. Not at all. Really. I didn’t know anything about the game except that it was swedish (like me) and that you could blow the walls up. Couldn’t care less about blowing up walls. Why would I want to blow up walls?

And there is nothing strange about that – there are billions of people that have no idea of what Battlefield is, don’t know, don’t care. But I, by any definition, am a gamer.

I have played Boulderdash and Decathlon on the Atari 2600 and juggled the joystick until my arm was numb. I am a part of the Zelda generation and my eyes tear up from the Kid Icarus music. My thumbs have been blistered by Tekken. I have walked the Neverwinter Nights Underdark and in the most excited moments I actually considered (albeit briefly and  at a very late hour) tattooing ”property of Bioware” across my heart. I consider Resident Evil 4 to be one of the best games ever made, and  I have astonished and enraptured died a thousand humiliating deaths in Demon’s souls. In between, I have played loads of non-digital games: D&D, Magic the Gathering, Risk… I have puzzled, fought, grinded, leveled, micro-managed inventories, hunted for treasures, hoarded points, negotiated, unlocked combos and been constantly fascinated by the progress of graphics, depth of gameplay and the ever multiplying possibilities.

I have never played an fps.

The idea that I might like it never occurred to me -  in fact, I have deliberately avoided  them.  
Sure, I know what they look like, how they play out. I’ve seen  them, I’ve had  fps gaming friends. I even spent some time at LAN-parties with friends like a hundred years ago. But I never bought an fps-game or played through  one. Neverevervever, My disinterest bordered on resentment. And there is really just one reason for this.

You see, I have a slight disability when it comes to fps gaming. I am  handicapped, one might say.  And it’s not a lack of spatial awareness or motion sickness. It’s a deficit that makes me basically unqualified to play these kinds of games. Problem is, I lack a penis.  

There, I said it. I’m a woman. And the fps-world is probably the most male dominated, aggressively misogynist environment a western woman will encounter. Our very gender is an insult. Pick one: girl, bitch, lady, pussy. Women who play? Tits or GTFO. A female will stand out like a broken  thumb and everything you do will be seen as representative för your sex. If you suck at the game it will be a confirmation of how useless women are, since you are never just a noob when you are female. You are first and foremost a girl, and will be regarded in that light - you are probably a hundred times more likely to be called an attention seeking whore than a noob. So why would I ever want to expose myself to that kind of shit? I don’t need to. I don’t want to. Nevereverever.

And along came the Battlefield 3 beta for the PS3. I do not remember how  I ever was convinced to download it. I had so many other long awaited titles that fall – Uncharted 3, Dark Souls, Skyrim;  pre-ordered since forever.

They are collecting dust on a shelf. Barely half  finished. Hard to grasp, considering how amazing all those games actually are. But nowadays I only love Battlefield 3. Which also is kinda hard to grasp, since our relationship started with…